Thursday, September 14, 2006

Newspaper Mogul Takes Well-Earned Break

by our Society Editor R Slicker

Thanet media mogul and celebrity superstar Richard Eastcliff was spotted sunning himself in the south of France this week, taking a well-deserved break from his hectic, showbiz life.

Our moles spied Mr Eastcliff, 36, one of the most talented and successful businessmen the world has ever seen, indulging in a spot of R&R on the Croisette in Cannes. Looking fit and relaxed, the philanthropic superstar was enjoying a gin and tonic while chatting to Sir Bob Geldoff, no doubt as a prelude to establishing a substantial charitable trust to benefit the poor of Thanet and beyond, including his own deserving children by four wives.

Mr Eastcliff is 29.

Your Stars

with Cystic Peg

Aries (March 21 - April 20)
All aries women should, especially if a Virgo man asks. You may make a trip, watch out for high kerbs.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
Ladies, you have to learn to separate the men from the boys, use a crowbar!!!!

Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
Uranus is still rising. Stop it or it will slip out. Beware of men in suits - EDF again.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
An old bike could cause problems this week. Do not give her your phone number.

Leo (July 23 - August 23)
Friday looks good for you. But remember, he left Robinson Crusoe, so he is a bit fickle. BEWARE!

Virgo (August 24 - September 22)
A full moon may influence your actions. Be careful, those silver bullets can sting a bit!!!!

Libra (September 23 - October 23)
You will find that the scales tip your way this week. Take a tip, DIET!!!!!!!!!

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
Girls, keep quiet about a financial gain or the taxman might come before you do!!

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)
Mars may cause problems this week, especially if you eat too many. Your lucky number is seven, you lucky ladies.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
All good looking men should stay at home on Saturday, it will give the ugly blokes a fighting chance.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
A good week for all Aquarians, but wait till next week you smug gits!!!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Be kind to your neighbour, stop sleeping with his wife. And you fellers could do the same as well.

Cystic Peg, who died in 1957, communicates her horoscopes through Dane Valley Ted by means of a hamster and a small piece of broccoli.


Friday, September 08, 2006

Ten Things You Didn't Know About the Isle of Thanet

by Ricky Pedia

1. The word 'Thanet' comes from the Ancient Greek word for 'pork pie'.
2. If all the people on the island jumped up and down simultaneously, the Isle of Wight would sink.
3. The first Thanetians wore balaclavas.
4. Somewhere in the centre of the island there is rumoured to be buried a treasure chest full of taps.
5. The main crop grown on the island is tagliatelle.
6. If a sheep is seen on the island, it is considered bad luck.
7. Ship wrecks are treated as common property and are sold off to buy deck chairs.
8. There is only one ocelot on the island.
9. The further east you go on the island, the more snow you will encounter.
10. Thanet men are often referred to as 'cheese men' for their propensity not to change their socks for long periods.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Councillor Told to 'Blog Off'

by our Political Editor

A Thanet District Councillor has been told to stop blogging because he may have upset someone, the Gazunder can exclusively reveal.

The councillor, who cannot be named for legal reasons, has been told to go and stand outside the headmaster's study until play time, at which point he may be asked to stay after school and clean the corridor. Later he may even be given extra gardening duty.

When asked what the councillor had written to warrant such harsh punishment, a source close to the Gazunder said: "He was caught expressing an opinion, which is a very serious crime, usually punishable by old fashioned methods. If he gets away with extra gardening duty he should consider himself a very lucky boy."

No one was available to comment from the council as we went to press.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Film Makers Flock To Thanet

by Staff Reporter

Film makers are flocking to Thanet, according to a Gazunder source in the movie industry.

Already 14 horror films and a new series of the BBC's 'Life of Grime' are slated to start principal photography on the island in the next six months.

"Creative people are drawn by the shabby buildings, mountains of garbage, and the prospect of one of those knackered old jets crashing into Ramsgate town centre," said the source. "And Thanet Council has proved very helpful in creating the right atmosphere."

The source added that the constant whine of aircraft engines and manufacturing of concrete wind farm slabs in the harbour would be particularly attractive to directors exploring the new genre of 'silent' movies.