Thursday, August 31, 2006

World News

by Staff Reporter

UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan unveiled his new peace plan for the Middle East today, following a fact-finding mission to Lebanon.

He revealed the UN would play a pivotal role in stabilising the region, and that future peace efforts would be:

- UN-inspired
- UN-planned, and
- UN-coordinated

Mr Annan has now returned to New York, where he's due to give a speech.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Your Stars

with Cystic Peg

Aries (March 21 - April 20)
All Aries men should take care this week. A lot of sex is on its way to you, so be broad-minded and bite on a strap.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
With Mars approaching Pluto you may find yourself falling in love. Remember most ugly people are so grateful they will not complain for your lack of inches.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
Uranus is rising, but it will probably be only wind. Lots of fun on the way, but only with Aries men.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
Luck will be with you this week. Women will meet the man of their dreams, Men will just have wet ones.

Leo (July 23 - August 23)
Beware of a man with matches. If a child is born to you, congratulations, it will be gifted and black. Not so good if you are both white though!!

Virgo (August 24 - September 22)
A new career awaits and three mates will have very good luck. They will move out of Thanet to somewhere much better - Afghanistan.

Libra (September 23 - October 23)
You will be hopping mad this week - a bus will run over your toes. Take a good look at your future wife because in 20 years she will look like her mother.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
Jupiter in your birthsign will double your love. Be careful your partner is kept in the dark, sometimes that is the only way do to it and keep your dinner down.

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)
Mars/Pluto stirs sexy temptation at work, not so good if you are a nun or a monk though.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Be cautious this week and stay away from a dodgy cliff. Your planet in the Big Dipper means watch out for men carrying red plastic cans.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You may soon find that the operation you have been waiting for is cancelled due to a shortage of donkey dongs.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Be careful of low-flying doctors and high-flying newspaper editors. You could lose your head to either.

Cystic Peg, who died in 1957, communicates her horoscopes through Dane Valley Ted by means of a wet sponge and a packet of Kleenex.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Row Over Council's Chip and Bin Plan

by Staff Reporter

A row has broken out over Thanet Council's plan to regulate the amount of chips eaten by every household on the island.

New wheelie bins, which can be driven away and inspected by specially appointed council dieticians, are being introduced across Thanet. The dieticians will be looking for signs of fatty food consumption, such as old chip wrappers, empty sauce sachets, and the smell of vinegar.

A spokesman for the council said: "Once it has been established how many chips each household is consuming, we'll be introducing new laws aimed at cutting the number of fry-ups Thanetians consume in half. We estimate the new limit will be around 30 a week."

It is hoped the scheme will also be self-funding through a reduction in the number of people who have to have to be lifted out of their homes by crane to go shopping. The council currently carries out over 12,000 such operations each week.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Life's a Beach! with Dane Valley Ted

This Week: Viking Bay, Broadstairs

Named after that well known trans-sexual Violet/Vince King, the bay is famous for many reasons.

Who can forget the five-legged donkeys and the crabs we used to catch on a Saturday night in the car park behind the Dolphin?

The sight and sounds of the Morris men promenading with their sticks in their hands is forever an endearing sight, but a bit worrying if your shoelace comes undone.

The moon rising at night as another local girl gets her wish for a council flat. The fireworks on a Wednesday night as the local lads take on all comers on the beach. And, of course, the well maintained tradition of tipping over the beach hut.

The sun, the sea and the sand in your salad. Ah, happy days!

If you'd like to contribute a column or story to the Gazunder, email us at

Ferry Seen Leaving Port

by Staff Reporter

A ferry was seen leaving the Port of Ramsgate today. The ferry was believed to be heading for the Belgian port of Ostend.

A spokesman for shipping line Transeuropa said: "It's true. We run six ships, crossing up to 20 times a day between Ramsgate and Ostend. On up to eight of those sailings we carry passengers."

Thanet District Council, which owns the port, was unavailable to comment.

Business News

with Ramsgate retailer Ronnie Corbett

Thank you, thank you. Now when the Editor asked me to, you know, write something for this, for this newspaper, I remember it well, because we were having a drink at the time. And that's a very unusual thing. You know, for him to buy me, or indeed anyone, a drink. So I remember it quite vividly. "Ron," he said, "Ron," he always calls me Ron. Well, no, it's an interesting theory of his. He reckons that 'Ronnie' is too big a name for such a small person. No, he does. The fact that he's only 4 foot 2 and likes to be known by his friends as Aloysius doesn't seem to strike him as at all, you know, hypocritical. Anyway, anyway, to get back to the story. "Ron," he said, "Ron, I'm launching this newspaper, and, you know, I'd like to give the little guys a chance to contribute. You're quite little, and you've got a tiny kiosk on the East Cliff, I think you'd be the ideal person to write our business column." He's a bit of a charmer, you see, and, no, no actually, actually I was quite touched. And I had had several G and Ts at the time. So, no, no, to get back to the story, this man walks into a shop...

Sunday Service

led by the Bishop of Thanet, The Right Reverend Harry Piehole

Walking along one of our island's glorious beaches this week, it was hard not to be reminded of Our Lord Godden's work. Empty buildings covered in graffiti, boarded up shops, and deserted amusement parks, peopled only by pit bulls and feckless youths sporting ugly tattoos.

Let us pray that we soon find the courage to rectify these things, and that our once proud cities regain their status as the bustling seaside resorts of yesteryear, with the happy sound of laughing families pouring their ten pence pieces mindlessly into one-armed bandits, or attempting to mow down complete strangers on the 'dodge 'ems'.

It is true that Our Lord works in mysterious ways, and by providing us with motorised vehicular transport, he has given us the means with which we can warm our planet up, thus ensuring our climate here on the island becomes more like that of Benidorm.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Famous Actor Orders Toasted Ham And Cheese Sandwich

by Our Showbiz Editor Richard Eastcliff

Famous actor and good mate of mine Timothy Spall was spotted in Margate today. Looking fit and relaxed, the Auf Wiedersehen Pet star sipped Becks beer and ordered a toasted ham and cheese panini at the Harbour Café in the old town.

Spall, who recently starred as greengrocer and hangman Albert Pierrepoint, was taking a break from his hectic career to eat a sandwich.

Regeneration Chief Puts The Spark Back Into Margate

Exclusive by Our Chief Reporter Jenny Tals

New Margate Regeneration Chief Bobby Smalls has vowed to put the spark back into the town! Mr Smalls, 48, recently moved from upmarket Chelsea to take up his new £500,000 a year job as head of the Margate Regeneration Renewal Re-Everything Partnership Trust Thingy.

"I've already noticed there's a bit of a buzz about the place," Mr Smalls told the Gazunder. "I think it's probably coming from all the flies feeding on the rotting seaweed."

But that could be a thing of the past if Mr Smalls gets his way. His ten point plan for getting the town back on its feet includes:

- Dreamland to be replaced with new luxury apartments and community bus shelter
- Rendezvous car park to be replaced with new luxury apartments and community picture rail
- Harbour to be replaced with new luxury apartments and community fishing rod

That's enough regeneration plans - Ed.

Man Stubs Big Toe

by Staff Reporter

A Broadstairs man suffered a minor injury last week when he stubbed his big toe.

The accident happened on Ramsgate front close to the Pleasurama site, which is due to be redeveloped into luxury flats. Glen Morangie, 36, of Percy Avenue, Broadstairs, was playing football when the ball flew towards the cliff. Mr Morangie mis-timed his kick and stubbed his toe on the concrete cliff face. He was treated by paramedics at the scene.

Later the entire cliff collapsed. A spokesman for Thanet Council said: "We will be pursuing Mr Morangie for compensation. His reckless behaviour has cost the taxpayer millions."

Singles Scene


WRINKLY old dick seeks steaming
great twat for truncheon fun and
more. Text 84938 ANGINA

HIGH-FLYING blogger, own plane,
seeks same. Must have talent,
achievement, and at least one
redeeming feature. Text 84938

MILLIONAIRE entertainer and
celebrity, GSOH, own car and
mansion, looking for someone
to give him a helping hand. Text


MATURE lady, blonde, bit of a
goer, WLTM elderly gentleman
with lots of money and no kids.
Text 84938 WIDOW

LADY ARTIST, mid 40s, nice
figure, own bed, WLTM male
artists for creative fun. Text
84938 TRACEY


ELDERLY man would like to meet
similar for friendship and cribbage.
Text 84938 OLD

COME ON Baby Light My Fire!
Property developer WLTM young
man with tattoos and own lighter
fuel to achieve his burning desire.
Text 84938 ARSON

ONE-EYED amusement park
manager WLTM anyone with
something amusing to put in his
park. Text 84938 DREAMLAND


RETIRED landlady, bored with pulling
pints, would prefer pulling bints.
Text 84938 LEMON


RECLUSIVE man, Pakistan, would like
to meet Russian guy with briefcase
full of fissile nuclear material.
Text 84938 OSAMA

Friday, August 25, 2006

What's On?

by Barry Chuckle

Splash out this bank holiday weekend with a trip to B&Q! As well as a complete range of paint and paintbrushes, there's plenty of power tools and lawnmowers to keep the little 'uns happy.

For the more serious minded, there's the chance to have a blazing row in public with the missus over which tiles to put in the downstairs bog. And if you're lucky, you can combine your visit with a trip to the nearby QEQM Hospital by gashing your head on one of their overhanging metal displays.

And remember my golden DIY rule: never nail-gun your nuts to a power saw!

Best of the Blogs

with Dr Russell Square

I visit other blogs from time to time looking for a sign of some redeeming feature, talent or achievement from their authors but sadly I can find none!

Ask Sandy

Each week we put your questions to Thanet Council Leader, Sandy Beach.

Q: Sandy, how are you going to re-generate Margate?
A: Going to? Going to? We are flippin' well re-generatin' it. Cor blimey, what a bleedin' nerve. You ask me about re-generating Margate? Bloomin' priceless. On yer bike, yer cheeky sod.

Q: Sandy, a lot of people in Thanet are worried that not enough is being done about anti-social behaviour. What are your plans?
A: Plans? Plans? Flippin' nerve. We've already set up a flippin' hotline, yer cheeky sod. On yer bike.

Q: Sandy, have you ever answered a question without taking credit for doing something, whilst simultaneously blaming somebody else for the problem?
A: Blamin' somebody else? Blamin' somebody else? Cheeky git. Flippin' nerve. On yer bike.

Crime Update

with Roger Oldtwat

Many people are concerned about terror and terrorists. But as a former member of the security services, I would like to reassure you that the powers that be are doing everything they can to combat this evil menace.

I would like to reassure you, but unfortunately I can't. Truth is, in my day, we used to round up the usual suspects, then let them go after 48 hours. Shows you're doing something. These days they shoot first, and round up later.

Best advice I can give you is don't come back from your holiday with a heavy tan and go down the tube in a duffle coat.

Thrusting New Organ

Welcome to my thrusting new organ, The Isle Of Thanet Gazunder.

Since I first cast my celebrity eye on our quaint little island, I've turned over many a stone, and incinerated what crawled out from underneath it with my magnifying glass of satire. Having millionaire-sized pockets helps, not only for keeping a large magnifying glass in, but also for paying my crack team of media lawyers to see off any chancers who fancy suing me.

Unfortunately, however, it's impossible for one man alone to turn over all the stones, and do all the incinerating. That's why I've founded The Gazunder.

With me as Editor and Proprietor, and a happy band of satirists at my disposal, we'll be on the look-out for anything that crawls or smells a bit whiffy. Think of The Gazunder as Thanet's very own, sweet-smelling Magic Tree, committed to de-stenchifying the rotten, sordid, malodorous cess-pit of public and private corruption. Enjoy!