Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Gazunder Goes Under

by (former) Staff Reporter

The chiselling git who owns this site has decided to close it.

Oh, and he wants me to say that future Gazunder stories will appear on Eastcliff Richard. Hah! Fat chance!

If you see me outside Woolworths selling the Big Issue, please buy one.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Broadstairs Goes the 'Pong' Way

by Jenny Tals

Residents and traders around Broadstairs Harbour are complaining that the foul smell of excess has drifted over from Margate Harbour to their own neck of the woods.

The stench has materialised since the teeny-tiny harbour was dredged recently, and much of the sand was removed. "It's like they've dumped a truckload of marathon runners' trainers here," said one resident who didn't want to be named. The lack of sand is also causing the sea to lap right up against buildings, especially in the recent high tides.

A spokesman for the council said that the measures were necessary to keep the four or five boats that are moored in the harbour afloat. "The benefits of the few outway those of the many," he explained.

Dreams of Frequent Fast Service Get the Bullet

by our Transport Correspondent

Preliminary plans for the much heralded new high-speed train services to the Isle reveal that minor stations like Dumpton Gap could be left out in the cold when the new bullet trains finally arrive from Japan in 2009.

Southeastern Railway's website trumpets the new service as a 'flagship feature' of its franchise, but closer inspection of the proposed route network for the fast trains shows Dumpton Gap marked for 'limited service in both directions'. Westgate-on-Sea, Minster, Sturry and Sandwich will receive a much more frequent service - 'one train per hour in each direction'.

Even Margate, Broadstairs and Ramsgate will only be getting one bullet train an hour in the off-peak.

The Fat Controller was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Life's a Beach! with Dane Valley Ted

This week: Margate Main Sands

Best known for it's numerous bonfire nights, this is a huge sandy beach with lovely sunsets and a good view of the wide open expanse of the former Dreamland site.

The gap in the seafront buildings will soon be a road, the road will be called Swan Vista as a tribute to it's origins. Looking towards the Harbour we can see another empty space, this is where the Turner conjob was supposed to be built and slightly inshore of that is Costalot House or as the locals now call it 'Councillors Cafe'.

Many films have been shot in this location, most famously an episode of Only Fools and Horses, and, of course, the latest and incorrectly named, Exodus (it means to leave not come). You sure you haven't been on the paint stripper again Ted? - Ed

New Regeneration Plan 'C'est tres bon!'

by our Europe Correspondent Phillipe Fillope

In a brave move Thanet District Council have decided to avoid criticism from the public by pretending to be French.

The new plan means all public correspondence will be re-routed to a small rubbish burning plant in Pas de Calais, while any verbal enquiries are to be dealt with by repeated use of the word 'Quoi' followed by a Gallic question mark (L'marque questionaire).

Under the new scheme future council meetings will be held at checkout four of the duty-free warehouse 'Eastenders', and Sandy Ezekiel is to change his name to Plage Aznavour.

A council spokesman told the Gazunder: "The move is seen as the latest step in achieving 'L'excellence d'council' and is designed to boost morale throughout all parts of TDC." He added: "Most staff are bored with the dull blue flame of burning pounds, and much prefer the green tinge from igniting piles of euros."

Who Breaks a Cabbage White Butterfly on a Bulldozer Wheel?

Leader Comment

There's been a lot of talk recently about the development of 40,000 new homes out at Westwood. Where once cabbages and cauliflowers grew, there will soon be regimented rows of houses, bringing more traffic chaos and more overcrowding to our isle.

Meanwhile thousands of homes around Thanet stand decaying and derelict. Presumably the lower cost of bunging up new housing stock makes a greenfield development more financially attractive than piecemeal restoration and regeneration.

If we are going to make any case a symbol of the conflict between the sound traditional values of Thanet and the new avarice, then we must be sure that the sound traditional values include those of not letting them concrete over our caulies.